International Best Seller Colin Falconer

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Tag: humor (page 2 of 3)

THE 19 FUNNIEST WRITER’S NAMES IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

We discussed here a few weeks ago why it is sometimes a good idea to use a pen name.

Here are some more good reasons.

I knew you’d think I was making these up so here they are, complete with Amazon links, the 19 funniest names for writers in the history of the world.

19. FILIBERTO VAGINA d’EMARESE

Being born in the 19th century is no excuse. Books live forever. Even one with a title as gripping as Dei primi elementi dell’economia politica secondo i progressi della scienza libri quattro … con aggiunta d’una memoria sui vantaggi resultanti dalla coltura dei publici pascol. Continue reading

WHY YOUR BOOK MUST HAVE A GREAT ENDING

So what did you think about how the Harry Potter series ended? Were you happy? Did you feel ripped off? It’s important to get the ending right as you’ll see at the end of this post.

First: did you ever have one of those days when you just feel like you’re running fast and getting nowhere? Myndi Shafer knows how you feel. This is hilarious. Continue reading

I LOVE THE SMELL OF BOOK MOULD IN THE MORNING

My favorite episode of Seinfeld was when Kramer tried to invent a perfume that smelled like The Beach. He figured he would make a fortune from the idea, and he tried to sell it to Calvin Klein.

SMELL MY ARM, JERRY C’MON SMELL MY ARM!

Why is this relevant?

It occurs to me that one of the great objections many people have to the eBook is the sensory deprivation that accompanies it. People crave the smell of a well-worn book and say that you just don’t get sated in the same olfactory manner by a mobi file.

Which is absolutely true. So I had an idea; I think Kindle and Nook and Apple should stop worrying about making their new eReaders lighter, more colourful, more techhead-friendly etc. They really don’t understand the market. What they really need to do to increase sales is impregnate them with smells. Continue reading

WRITERS SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

Writers are very quotable people. They seem to have the right word for any occasion. Right now, I’m struggling with a deadline because of the turmoils in my non-writing life. But the author of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy made me feel better about things:

photograph: Michael Hughes

“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” - Douglas Adams

A lot of great writers seem never to take anything seriously - even themselves. When asked how he came to be a writer, Ferenc Molnar responded: Continue reading

THE IMPORTANCE OF TEAMWORK

Today’s post is about the importance of teamwork - which brings me, quite obviously, to the subject of grenade fishing.

These guys didn’t quite manage much teamwork here. I know I should feel sorry for them. Is it very wrong of me that I don’t?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpITbJp1uIo&w=560&h=315]

More on teamwork later. On a more heart-warming note, let’s look at why one woman loves the man in her life. I really like it that he doesn’t mind her teaching their kids to jump out of a moving van. Find it here at One Stray Sock From Insanity. Continue reading

THE WTF IN MY SEO

I don’t get SEO, or anything to do with Google and search engines. don’t try and explain it to me. You might as well talk to me in Tagalog. But recently, out of sheer curiosity, I looked at my Google Analytics tool, and checked out all the ways people have discovered my blog through Google.

I am frankly astonished.

So to any of you who used any of these search terms below - and Google says you did, they couldn’t make this stuff up - may I say this:

“ow to shoot ay wife” - why in the name of all that is holy were you searching this on Google? Continue reading

THOU SHALT COMMIT ADULTERY

a short history of the typo - and gee, I hope I spelled that right

My first writing job was as a copywriter for a small advertising agency. Soon after I joined, the graphic artist told me a story about when he worked at a small publishing company who were producing a very expensive, limited edition, full colour coffee-table book about Egypt.

Eejeept

When it was finished everyone in the office went through the galleys line by line to ensurethere were no mistakes. Then, when the book was published, they all looked proudly at the cover.

There was a picture of the pyramids. Above it, in bold type, it said: Continue reading

THE HISTORY OF THE OLYMPIC GAMES

the temple of Hera, Olympia:
photograph Matthias Süßen

The most widely accepted date for the inception of the Ancient Olympics is 776BC; the dating is based on inscriptions, found at Olympia, listing the winners of a footrace held there every four years.

The Games were a series of competitions held between the representatives of several city-states and kingdoms in Ancient Greece. The Ancient Games featured running events, a pentathlon (a jumping event, discus and javelin throws, a foot race, and wrestling), boxing, wrestling, pankration (eerily similar to cage fighting) and equestrian events. They also featured chariot racing, which is sadly no longer an Olympic sport.

Before the Games began, oaths were sworn by competitors that they would not cheat. There were penalties for unsportsmanlike conduct ( see below.) Continue reading

THE 20 WORST BOOK COVERS EVER

I have had a few really terrible book covers during my life as an author. Sometimes I thought: (a) the designer has not read my book, (b) if they have, their IQ is smaller than the font size or (c) they are legally blind.

Looking around at other book covers over the years, I noticed that some problems didn’t start with bad design: there were also some pretty bad titles - or simply very misguided concepts.

I began to speculate on what some writers were thinking when they imagined their creation.

Did they really think that someone, somewhere might really want to read such a book? Did they ever look at the cover and the title and think: wait a minute, this might not be quite right?

What are the worst covers - or the worst book concepts - that you have ever seen? Continue reading

GENGHIS KHAN - BUT YOU CAN’T

As every historical fiction author will tell you, you only get to use about 10% of your research and another fifty per cent of that disappears in the second draft. You just hate to see some of it go, but go it must.

Like the research I found on Genghis Khan when I was researching Silk Road.

Here was the man who made Alexander the Great look like Alexander the Underachiever. His empire was twice the size of Rome’s and included large parts of modern day China, Mongolia, Russia, Azerbaijan, Armenia, Georgia, Iraq, Iran, Turkey, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Uzbekistan, Pakistan, Tajikistan, Afghanistan, Turkmenistan, Moldova, South Korea, North Korea and Kuwait. All the Stans and then some.

His real name was Temujin; Genghis Khan is an honorific meaning ‘Universal Ruler’ and he took that on when he united the fractious Mongolian tribes at his coronation in 1206. Other titles included Lord of the Four Colors and Five Tongues, Lord of Life and Emperor of all Men.

He was also known as Mighty Manslayer and Scourge of God. And that was on a good day.

And I quote: “The greatest pleasure in life is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters.’ Continue reading

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