“The past is a great place and I don’t want to erase it or to regret it, but I don’t want to be its prisoner either.” - Mick Jagger
The old man took my hand and squeezed hard. It was a big hand, calloused from a lifetime running a timber mill.
‘If I had my time again, I’d do it all different,’ he said.
I knew he meant it because we were in the back of an ambulance, and I had just hooked him up to the cardiac monitor.
It was probably going to be his last trip with us.
People never lied on their last trip.
‘Still,’ he said, ‘It’s too late now.’ And he closed his eyes and put the oxygen mask back over his face.
There are some regrets you can do nothing about.
The lovers who decided to leave.
The marriage that ends despite years trying to save it.
That big film producer who passed on HAREM after months of negotiations with my agent.
Will I look back on those times with regret? Probably.
Whoever wrote the script for my life made it a lot more unpredictable and also a lot more interesting than the one I had drafted out. They also made it a lot more painful, for arcane reasons I cannot know.
What about you? Ask yourself this question:
If it were all about to end tomorrow – if that meteor out there in space is headed right for us, if that drunk doesn’t stop for the red light – would you have regrets at the way it all turned out?
If I was ever going to give one of my kids advice - and believe me, I wouldn’t dare, both my daughters are far smarter than I am, and grew up years before I did - but if I had a son as dumb as me, for example, this is what I would say.
I’d say there are 9 things to remember that could mean you will have less to regret in the future. (Not ten, because even numbers are so boring, aren’t they?)
1. First, Celebrate Your Failures
It’s really okay to screw up.
Have you ever watched a hurdler in the Olympics? Ever counted how many hurdles the winner knocks over?
About half of them.
They don’t even break stride. Because it’s not about running the perfect race, it’s about getting across the finish line.
Me, I have screwed up so many times. From day one I went about my writing career the wrong way, there are books I hope will never see the light of day again, I once went blank on a live TV cross and stared at the camera like a rabbit caught in the headlights, and my personal life … well, let’s not go there.
But embarrassing as it all is, no regrets. Every cringeworthy mistake was a learning curve. And I was proud of myself for putting myself out there. After all, I started out a very shy kid.
‘I’ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that’s why I succeed.’– Michael Jordan.
2. Claim Your Life
You’re the one bearing the consequences of your life – but are you the one living it?
This, at least, I got right. I claimed my life when I was about twenty; I left my home, my country, to go to another continent and start a completely new life. It wasn’t easy. I was once down to my last $5. (Yes, but it was worth a lot more in those days.) But I knew I needed to find my own way.
One day life will be gone – imagine how you’ll feel if you get to the end of it and never made any of the important decisions in it. This is something you can change today.
“One’s real life is often the life that one does not lead”
–Oscar Wilde
3. Say Yes or No TODAY to Your Dreams
Do you have a dream? Are you actively pursuing it – or have you left it for ‘one day’?
Remember - One Day is the one day that never comes.
If you don’t want to die with real regrets then make the decision here, now, even before you finish reading this post: either say goodbye to your dream forever or start pursuing it today.
No excuses.
‘Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.’
Sydney J. Harris
4. Don’t Let Your Kids Grow Up Without You
We need to spend time at work if we’re going to succeed.
But we also have to remember what we’re doing it for. Kids are not kids for very long – and if you miss them growing up, you won’t ever get a second chance.
My occupation helped (for once)! I started writing when they went to school and when they came home I stopped. Good decision. They’re off overseas now living extraordinary lives. But I carry their childhood forever in my heart.
5. Live with integrity
I haven’t always. I won’t bore you with the details. But if you don’t say exactly what you mean and follow through on your commitments you will cause heartbreak and that’s something you’ll never put right. If you have any sort of soul at all, you’ll regret it. Bear this in mind, always.
6. Be Afraid of Being Afraid
Before we make a decision, most of us think: What if?
What if I take that job overseas and I don’t like it? What if I ask that girl out and she says no? What if I fail? What if people laugh at me?
Years later when we’re trapped in a life we don’t like we go to a reunion and there’s the goof-off from high school who’s just back from teaching disabled left handed transvestites in Outer Mongolia - your dream job! - and loving every minute of it.
And you turn around and bump into your dream girl from college and she’s married now and she says: I always liked you, why didn’t you ever say anything?
‘As you grow older, you’ll find the only things you regret are the things you didn’t do.’
- Zachary Scott
7. No Sage Has Rage
If you’re like me, your comebacks come back half an hour after you need them. But that’s not always such a bad thing.
How many times has saying something angry in the heat of the moment burned off a friend, a lover? You can take back a faulty toaster but you can’t ever take back an angry word.
‘Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.’
- Ambrose Bierce
8. Don’t Hide Your Feelings
Ever had someone leave your life forever and you realize you haven’t told them how you really feel?
‘I love you.’
‘Thank you.’
‘I’m sorry.’
Is there someone you would like to say one of these things to? Do it now – you can’t possibly know if today is not the last chance you’ll ever have.
‘The regret of my life is that I have not said ‘I love you’ often enough.’
- Yoko Ono
9. And Most of All, Remember – It’s Not Over Yet
Even if you have a barrow-load of regrets right now, do remember one thing.
It ain’t over.
No matter how many mistakes you’ve made in your life, you only have to get it right once. That’s the beauty of it.
“A man is not old until his regrets take the place of his dreams”
–Yiddish Proverb
So now you’ve finished reading this, you have a choice.
You can go back to your busy, busy life and carry on as if nothing has happened.
Or you can call someone up and say what’s on your mind, you can think about going after that weird job no one would want but you, you can start walking that Appalachian trail.
Because if you don’t, you really may regret it later, when you’re on your last ride.
‘Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.’ - Steve Jobs
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This is a great post and very good advice.
Thanks Darlene!
Wonderful advice, Colin! Sorry I haven’t been by in awhile. I will now take the time to tell you that I love reading your posts. You always bring a bright spot to my day no matter what you’re writing about.
Thank you, Michelle! That’s made my day.
hey Colin,
thanx for this extract . I find it amazing that you posted it, when so many of the points are currently relevant to me, especially nnumbers 8 & 9 . I recently lost a very dear family member who i took for granted would always be around & I wish I had the chance to say ” I love you” just one more time.
Unfortunately we miss more chances than we take and then we live with regret hard as it is to take and you have given or even made me consider this deeply for this I thank you.
Marg
Thank you, Margaret. If it helped any, I’m very glad.
I think we all need to learn to be kind to ourselves Colin, when it comes right down to it that is the only person we really have to truly live with. Other people can choose to share parts of our lives but we always end up with ourselves. Not many people would know what an amazing person you are and the selfless things you have done in your life. Celebrate life we all need the bumps in the road or we wouldn’t appreciate the smooth.
I certainly celebrate the friendships I have had, like yours and Dan’s. And coming from someone who has known more bumps in the road than most, and found a way to the other side, I really appreciate what you said. Thank you.
I have been one of the fortunate ones who was able to do not just one, but two things in my life that I loved, although far and away music and the viola is my first love. Being forced to give it up at a relatively early age due to health, has led me to re-evaluate my life and I’ve always been introspective and a bit of an introvert, so may have known earlier than most, that I had a less-than-perfect start. The fact that my professional lives were spectacular successes, but my personal life has been a complete and unmitigated disaster, has made me grateful for the one wise decision I chose early on, which was to never have children. I have however, managed to pass on my ethos, sense of values and aesthetics to a couple of generations of violin and viola students and some wayward young people in the software industry. I’ll take that as a good thing; I’ve lived by my lights and a sense of fairness and as I’ve learned so much along the way, all I can do, is be an example to others. Thanks, Colin. Once again, a wonderful post!