Today, I am thrilled and honored to be hosting the wonderful Piper Bayard and Kristen Lamb on this leg of their presidential campaign trail!
If it wasn’t for homophobia and mud slinging there would be no political debate thus far in the electoral process; Piper and Kristen have been the only light in the darkness. I hope this interview helps you decide where your vote goes in November!
CF. One of your rivals, Senator Rick Santorum, has bemoaned sex ‘being deconstructed to the point where it’s simply pleasure.’ What’s your stand on that?
B/L: He’s doing it wrong.
CF. The death penalty. Too harsh for health insurance company CEO’s or too quick?
B/L: That depends. Will the CEO’s get a bullet to the brain or that famous faulty electric chair in Florida?
CF: Do you consider cupcakes a terrorist threat? If not, what do you think should be done about the TSA?
B/L: The TSA is a travesty. Those radiation scanners were a sweetheart deal between our government and Bill Chertoff, the former Director of Homeland Security. As Holmes says, “They can’t tell balls from bombs,” and the radiation dose has not been properly studied. In fact, TSA agents, themselves, are now being tested to find if they have been over exposed by just standing next to the machines. The machines will go, and we will institute reverse profiling, seeking out clear stereotypes of people who are not terrorists. We’ve mentioned our Granny Plan Health Care? This will be our No Grannies Plan.
As for the cupcakes, we believe they are only a threat to the security of our belt buckles, and we believe all airlines should provide complimentary cupcakes on every flight.
| a plate of terrorist threats - photograph by Joy |
CF: Sarah Palin appeared recently with a new do - a bumpit and curls. Are you two considering any such makeovers? Beehives? Afro wigs?
B/L: No. We will continue to maintain our simple hair with red and blonde highlights. We will be too busy running the country to spend the time it would take to do anything that doesn’t involve a scrunchie.
CF: The GOP candidate Willard Romney uses Mitt as his monicker, which is very charming and homesy. There’s even a Newt. Have you thought about using nicknames. Pip? Kris?
B/L: Kristen feels very strongly against using monikers. We both believe that the American people should know who is leading their country and not get us confused with escapees from conservative 80s sitcoms.
CF: This one was forwarded to me by someone at Camp David, where I guess you’ll be spending most of your time once elected. What’s your golf handicap?
B/L: Our biggest handicap is that we don’t play golf, but you could find us on the shooting range, and we’ll allow useless bureaucrats to redeem themselves by holding our targets. As for spending all our time at Camp David, we didn’t even know where it was until you asked us this question, and we looked it up.
| another tough day at Camp David |
CF: Iran. Invade or go nuclear?
B/L: Iran is already being invaded by China right now, but the mullahs are too stupid to know it. China wants Iranian oil, and the mullahs think they can somehow control the Dragon. China would love nothing more than for there to be a ruckus between Iran and the US because that would weaken Iran and damage the US and Western nations. This would facilitate their own takeover of the oil-rich region. However, China, unlike Iran, is too smart to go to war with us. It also has no particular axe to grind with Israel so, unlike Iran, it won’t be starting a war there either. Therefore, it is to our advantage to let Iran continue to become China’s b**ch for the moment. Our approach will be to sneak in our popcorn and watch the show.
CF: Are you worried about the challenge from Governor Rick Perry? One, he appeals to many ultra conservatives. Two, he probably has the state of Texas all wrapped up. And three, … three … point number three …. oops … sorry, I’ll get back to you on that one.
We all saw how Herman Cain’s campaign got derailed. Before it all gets nasty do you have any secrets that should come out now? Have either of you ever sexually harassed anyone, for instance?
B/L: It’s only sexual harassment when people don’t want the attention, and trust us, our husbands want all the attention they can get.
Hey, Baby. Want to play rogue TSA agent and naughty cupcake girl?
As for other secrets, it’s no secret that Kristen and I have led colorful lives. We prefer to say we have “street cred.” Will we share every gory detail with you? No. We do what good Southern ladies should do. We keep those details private until we can put them together for our memoirs once we’re out of office.
CF: Governor Rick Perry claims to have shot a coyote while he was out jogging. Do either of you carry guns when you’re jogging and if so, have you ever shot any wildlife with it?
B/L: We would both rather suck broken glass up our noses than go jogging. However, Piper has a concealed carry license and is prepared to deal with any coyotes that attack her in yoga class or on the elliptical at the gym. Kristen, on the other hand, is convinced she is doomed to shoot herself while looking for her lip gloss. Her husband, being a good hubby, is taking her to shooting classes so that those coyotes in yoga class will need to fear her, as well.
| Governor Rick Perry sans coyote. Photograph: Ed Schipul |
CF: Finally, Governor Rick Perry wanted Texas to secede in 2009. Are there any US states you would encourage to go once the people have spoken in November?
B/L: We will encourage Mexico to secede from the Union. We realize it is not technically a state, but when a country’s second biggest chunk of its economy is American dollars, it might as well be a state. Rick Perry is welcome to take I-35 south to spearhead that cause.
The fact is that most of the soldiers fighting with Sam Houston in the Mexican-American War were, in fact, Mexicans who recognized that the people in power in Mexico were not interested in building a strong Mexican State. They couldn’t get out fast enough. The same was true in California, Arizona, and New Mexico. In fact, it is still true today. Mexicans can’t seem to run north fast enough.
We would love for the government of Mexico to take responsibility for the well-being of its people and build a great economy. With all of its oil and other natural resources, there is no reason Mexico shouldn’t be one of the strongest economies on the planet.
However, the powers that be support ravagers like Carlos Slim, the man who became the richest man on the planet with his monopoly on Mexican phone service, which charges the highest rates on the planet. The Mexican powers that be also perpetuate a hard core culture of corruption by collaborating with the drug cartels rather than devoting themselves to shutting down the criminals and making Mexico a decent place for her fine citizens. We will pressure the Mexican government any way we can for it to become independent of American jobs and American money and instead do what’s right for their own people for a change. Mexicans deserve much better than they are getting from their own country.
We would like to thank Colin for hosting our Campaign Blog Tour Stop today. It’s been fun and an honor.
If you would like to host the Foxie with Moxie pair for a blog stop, please contact Piper at [email protected]. We would love to come around to your blog.
Bayard/Lamb 2012 – Because We’re Not the Other Guys
I hope you enjoyed the post! If you don’t already know their work, you must see Kristen at http://warriorwriters.wordpress.com/ and Piper at http://piperbayard.wordpress.com/
