A little while ago, I was asked to be godfather to a very special young man; the ritual requires of the godparents to oversee the lad’s spiritual education. Not being a great churchgoer, I thought I’d rather leave him my thoughts on what it takes to be a good man, if not necessarily a religious one.
A friend of mine recently saw the movie ‘The Descendants’ with George Clooney. She described the main character as a ‘good man.’ It occurred to me then what an undervalued concept that seems to have become in today’s society; men today tend to think of themselves as successful or not successful, sexy or not so much, cool or nerds.
But the term: ‘a good man’ - you don’t hear that very much.
So what does it mean to be ‘a good man?’
I don’t think ‘a good man’ should be confused with ‘a perfect man’. In the movie, George’s wife and daughters certainly don’t see him as perfect; when the movie starts, he’s a workaholic who is largely clueless about the emotional lives of his wife and children. That’s why his wife has looked for attention outside of the marriage and his oldest daughter has turned to drugs.
But by the film’s end you feel that George will get there. For a start, he has good intentions; and he is no coward. At heart he’s ‘a good man’ and you just know he will turn everything around eventually.
So here is what I’d like to say to my young godson, one day. I’m still trying to learn these myself. Maybe with a bit of help from this, he’ll get there before me.
1. Try always to be kind. This is not as easy as it sounds, especially when you’re hurting; but this is the time it pays the most.
2. Do not confuse kindness with trust; both women and men should earn that from you, because some people take advantage of kindness. But this fact is absolutely no excuse for cynicism, okay?
3. A firm handshake and eye contact is important. Other men will judge you by it.
4. Never. Ever. Ever. Hit a woman or a child. Do it even once and forget about calling yourself a man.
5. Learn to manage your money, you won’t get far without it. But don’t let it manage you.
6. Play team sports. You’ll learn a lot about other blokes on a football field; it’s about friendship and character and courage.
7. Stand up to bullies. Especially when they’re picking on someone else.
8. Know what you believe in so you can stand up for it. It will also help you to know when you are wrong.
9. For God’s sake, tell the truth. Then you won’t need a good memory.
10. If someone breaks your heart, don’t play tag and pass it on to someone else.
11. Friends are precious. You’ll soon find out who they are; they’ll be the ones still buying you a beer after you have made your first monumental and public screw-up. And yes, that will happen, too.
12. Open doors for ladies. It’s what my dad taught me, and I think it’s a good rule. And don’t let a woman walk alone across a car park in the dark, even if she’s just broken up with you.
13. A gentleman walks on the outside of the footpath to protect women, children and older people from passing traffic. Sounds cheesy, but do it anyway.
14. Be good to your mother, D. You have no idea what she did to get you this far.
15. Read 14 again.
16. Pretend you live in a world where everyone has a cell phone camera. Ooops, I forgot. You will live in that world.
17. Love your wife/partner. If you don’t love your wife/partner find another option to cheating. Be a man of honor and not a man of opportunity.
18. If your kid says come and play daddy, don’t put them off. If you don’t, you will live to regret it. Guaranteed.
19. It’s not size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.
20. Listen to your heart. Follow where it leads you. Don’t complain if it leads you right into the shit. Whatever goes down will still be much better than not listening to your heart and not following where it leads you. Eventually.
And to see a woman’s point of view on this, see this just wonderful post from Lisa Hall-Wilson right here: Beware of the Counterfeit Man. It’s brilliant.
Ah, Colin, if these are the code you live by, then you are indeed a “good man” and I am honored to know you. Great post, as usual.
Excellent advice for your godson, Colin. I can honestly say, I married a “good man.” He still opens doors for me, he walks on the outside of the sidewalk, and he’s polite and kind. It was hard to find a guy like him. Wish more men would live by your list of advice here.
Great post, as always!
Thanks, Jennifer. I have to be straight here though - my old man was a naturally good guy. Me - it was a decision made later in life after being not such a good one. I’m glad you got a good man - good for you and good for him!
Terrific list. Words to live by, indeed. Your Godson is blessed to have you in his life.
Thanks Amy - but to be honest I think it’s his mother he’s blessed with. Ever seen a tigress with her cub?
I’d forgotten than a boyfriend many years ago would always walk on the outside of the footpath. The relationship didn’t end well, but now that I’ve remembered this, I can look back and smile.
Thank you.
I guess relationships may or may not work out, but being a good guy is forever - even in just the little things. At least, that’s what I figure these days.
It’s obvious why your godson’s parents chose you. You’re right….good men are a dying breed. Not surprising in today’s world. Hopefully there are a lot of godfathers, dads, uncles, and big brothers teaching these same things to the young men in their lives. This kind of man should never become extinct. Having said that, I know some women who could benefit by putting some of the suggestions on your list into practice.
Well one of my grandfather’s was an absolute pig … so maybe it’s not so generational. I hope not - I still like to think we’re on a sort of an upswing. And as I said to Jennifer, I only came to some of these conclusions a little late and am generally a work in progress. Better late than never, perhaps. You’re dead right about the women, Kristy - it’s not pretty sometimes either side of the Great Divide.
I am standing up and applauding you Colin! It is good to know that there are still “Good Men” in this world to pass on the code. Well, other than my husband. Just sayin’.
I love it when women say this about their husbands, Karen! It shows there’s a lot of good guys out there.
Fabulous post, Colin. Great advice. I would add ‘sits with his back to the room in restaurants so the girl can keep the wall at her back’ - don’t ask me why that’s important, just is
I shared this with my Facebook peeps.
Thank you, Lisa! I always thought I was weird. No matter where I am, I’m never comfortable if I can’t sit with my back to a wall. I don’t know why either.
Well I only heard that once from a date - but her father was in the mafia, so I figured she picked it up from him! (I take it you have different reasons!) And your post on a similar subject was brilliant, by the way.
LOL I hope so
Beautifully said, Colin. I shared on my FB page. I hope my son reads it. Thanks
Thanks Carra. I never took any notice of my dad when I was younger - but I remembered it all later!
So good.
Wonderful advice, Colin. Religious or not, you’ll make a great godparent. You are so right about the lack of appreciation of a good man by the general public. It’s not old fashioned. It’s what’s right.
George Clooney made it seem a lot less old fashioned in that movie. It’s the battle of intention and effort over imperfection that is inspiring.
You’ve got a great list. As I was reading, though, I think the majority of them are applicable to women, too. How to be a good human? I love that you included those manners that so many people don’t do anymore. My husband walks on the outside and it just tickles my heart.
Good on him, Lara. It was something I still miss about my old dad - his manners. He was a tough bloke, a builder, like my grandad. But he knew how to behave and it was just charming I reckon.
What a great list, Colin. He is lucky to have you as a mentor and friend.
I hope so Louise. We’ll see what the future brings! And thank you.
Colin, if these qualities reflect who you are then I too am proud to know you. What a perfect description of the “good man”. I’m married to one of those, I’m fortunate to say.
Love this post!
Thanks Marcia! You did well with your guy. It’s good to hear so many positives from women about their men. I just believe myself to be a work in progress.
Well, no one is perfect. Progress is way better than stagnancy! The best people are always working at getting better.
This is absolutely great! I think #2 is my favorite because so many people confuse the two.
Thanks … and I agree with you on number two. It’s a lesson I’m still learning.
Love this post! Popped over from Susie’s paaaaaarty! A good man also has core values and puts the one he loves before himself, even when it’s hard! I know this because I’m married to one of the very best!
And if you look in the mirror, Colin, you’ll see a very good man staring back at you
I’m sure you’re right about that to the first, not too sure to the second. Do love Susie’s parties tho!
I’m sure you’re right about the first one, not so sure about the second. But Susie does throw a mean party tho!
I love all of these, but 19 cracked me up!
Thanks for joining in the fun! I hope you make some new friends today!
Sure did, as always. Sorry I ate all the dip. At least I didn’t horrify everyone by trying to dance.
Sure did, Susie. Sorry I ate all the dip but at least I didn’t horrify everyone by trying to dance. Well done again, Susie.
Great list, thanks for sharing it with Susie’s party otherwise I never would have seen it!
Well thanks for dropping by. The great thing about Susie’s parties, we all make new friends!
Which is the great thing about Susie’s Use me and Abuse me day. I made a hole in my laptop trying to eat your rustic Italian bread
Checking out this link from Susie’s party. Such a great post! You’re putting your godson on the right track and I loved seeing this!
Thanks Audrey. I hope he sees it too. Still a long way to go between here and there…
Wonderful advice for anyone really. Definitely good for sons and godsons, but even those fathers or godfathers who need a little reminder every once in a while.
This father and godfather tries to reread this as often as he can, that’s for sure. It’s a high bar some days.