International Best Seller Colin Falconer

stories of romance and epic adventure

Category: HUMOR (page 2 of 2)

THE 19 FUNNIEST BOOK COVERS EVER (AND ONE REALLY WEIRD ONE)

I have a stitch in my side after researching this post.

I am obsessed with covers, possibly because I have had so many bad ones foisted on me by publishers through my life. Luckily now that I have Jen Talty at CoolGus producing such brilliant designs for my backlist I can see the funny side these days - well, almost.

But none of my bad covers in the past matched these.

In some cases it’s the misguided concept for the cover or title. In others it’s the idea for the entire book that’s off. I don’t think any of these covers (except the weird one) were meant to be funny. But I just loved them. I hope you do, too.

Oh, and they’re all real books (because there are some kidders out there.)

If you want, click on the picture and it will take you to Amazon or whatever selling point they use. So if you want one for your library, knock yourself out:

20.

Continue reading

THE ABC’S OF WRITING: THE SECRETS TO SUCCESS

A

photo: Rexzwergwidder

You know how it is in the kid’s book world; it’s just bunny eat bunny.

- Anonymous

B

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

- Milton Berle

C

“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has got to make sense.”

– Tom Clancy

D

Never throw up on an editor.

- Ellen Datlow Continue reading

I LOVE THE SMELL OF BOOK MOULD IN THE MORNING

My favorite episode of Seinfeld was when Kramer tried to invent a perfume that smelled like The Beach. He figured he would make a fortune from the idea, and he tried to sell it to Calvin Klein.

SMELL MY ARM, JERRY C’MON SMELL MY ARM!

Why is this relevant?

It occurs to me that one of the great objections many people have to the eBook is the sensory deprivation that accompanies it. People crave the smell of a well-worn book and say that you just don’t get sated in the same olfactory manner by a mobi file.

Which is absolutely true. So I had an idea; I think Kindle and Nook and Apple should stop worrying about making their new eReaders lighter, more colourful, more techhead-friendly etc. They really don’t understand the market. What they really need to do to increase sales is impregnate them with smells. Continue reading

THE IMPORTANCE OF TEAMWORK

Today’s post is about the importance of teamwork - which brings me, quite obviously, to the subject of grenade fishing.

These guys didn’t quite manage much teamwork here. I know I should feel sorry for them. Is it very wrong of me that I don’t?

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpITbJp1uIo&w=560&h=315]

More on teamwork later. On a more heart-warming note, let’s look at why one woman loves the man in her life. I really like it that he doesn’t mind her teaching their kids to jump out of a moving van. Find it here at One Stray Sock From Insanity. Continue reading

THE WTF IN MY SEO

I don’t get SEO, or anything to do with Google and search engines. don’t try and explain it to me. You might as well talk to me in Tagalog. But recently, out of sheer curiosity, I looked at my Google Analytics tool, and checked out all the ways people have discovered my blog through Google.

I am frankly astonished.

So to any of you who used any of these search terms below - and Google says you did, they couldn’t make this stuff up - may I say this:

“ow to shoot ay wife” - why in the name of all that is holy were you searching this on Google? Continue reading

THOU SHALT COMMIT ADULTERY

a short history of the typo - and gee, I hope I spelled that right

My first writing job was as a copywriter for a small advertising agency. Soon after I joined, the graphic artist told me a story about when he worked at a small publishing company who were producing a very expensive, limited edition, full colour coffee-table book about Egypt.

Eejeept

When it was finished everyone in the office went through the galleys line by line to ensurethere were no mistakes. Then, when the book was published, they all looked proudly at the cover.

There was a picture of the pyramids. Above it, in bold type, it said: Continue reading

THE 20 WORST BOOK COVERS EVER

I have had a few really terrible book covers during my life as an author. Sometimes I thought: (a) the designer has not read my book, (b) if they have, their IQ is smaller than the font size or (c) they are legally blind.

Looking around at other book covers over the years, I noticed that some problems didn’t start with bad design: there were also some pretty bad titles - or simply very misguided concepts.

I began to speculate on what some writers were thinking when they imagined their creation.

Did they really think that someone, somewhere might really want to read such a book? Did they ever look at the cover and the title and think: wait a minute, this might not be quite right?

What are the worst covers - or the worst book concepts - that you have ever seen? Continue reading

APRIL FOOLS DAY: SPAGHETTI TREES AND FLYING PENGUINS

It’s April Fools Day on Sunday. I’m warning you now so you can be alert. Jokes from friends or family are bad enough - but it’s the major broadcasters who are worst.
In Britain, one of the most famous April Fool’s Day hoaxes was run by the BBC’s highly respected television news and information program ‘Panorama’ in 1957. The world was not the global village it is now, and most people in Britain had only eaten tinned spaghetti. They had little idea how it was produced.
Somehow Commentator Richard Dimbleby delivered his lines faultlessly: ‘Many of you, I am sure, will have seen pictures of vast spaghetti plantations in the Po valley. For the Swiss, however, it tends to be more of a family affair.’ Continue reading

STAR WARS CANTEEN

There’s no moral to this one. I just laughed out loud when I saw it. If you like Lego and Star Wars, what’s not to like? Be warned, Darth Vader has terrible language off camera. The stress is clearly getting to him. He must be forever topping up the Swear Jar on the Death Star.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5iEK-IEzw&w=420&h=315]

author: andrea rueda

Tomorrow we have a guest post from YA author Alica McKenna Johnson - ‘Don’t bleach and iron your work - tips for adding diversity to your writing.’ It’s a great post, don’t miss it!

VENOM has just been published for the first time in the US and is exclusive to Nook through Who Dares Wins Publishing. Find it here at Nook.


HOW IRISH ARE YOU? THE SAINT PADDY’S DAY QUIZ


Tomorrow is Saint Patrick’ Day; the day when anyone with even the vaguest Irish affiliation exaggerates it beyond belief as an excuse to take a day off work and drink themselves under the table. This year they have been partly foiled; Saint Paddy’s Day falls on a Saturday.

It is a celebration of Irish culture in general, characterized by wearing of the green and the lifting of Lenten restrictions on eating and drinking alcohol. (The latter prohibition is not only ‘lifted’ but hurled out of sight beyond the horizon.)

A good mate is lifetime treasurer of my local Irish club and as a great fan of Guinness I have enjoyed some wonderful Saint Paddy’s Days - or so I’m told, I don’t remember.

I’m not Irish - but every March 17 I’d really like to be. So - how Irish are you? Here’s a short fun quiz to help you find out:

1. What is the Irish name for tree fellers?
(a) Shillelaghs
(b) Leprechauns
(c) Blarneys
(d) Paddy, Mick and Seamus
2. If you ask for an Irish coffee, what will you get?
(a) coffee with whisky
(b) coffee with mashed potatoes
(c) coffee with Guinness
(d) tea
photograph: Dirk van Esbroek

3. What days are the pubs not open in Ireland?

(a) February 29
(b) Judgement Day
(c) the 12th of Never
(d) Christmas Day and Good Friday
4. Which of these former heavy weight boxing champions does not have Irish ancestry?
(a) Jack Dempsey
(b) Gene Tunny
(c) Jack Sharkey
(d) Muhammed Ali
5. What book idea originated with Irishman Hugh Beaver?
(a) Cooking with Guinness
(b) the Guinness Book of Records
(c) How to Stay Sober Till Lunchtime. Morning Sobriety in Just 3 weeks!
(d) Ulysses

6. Who said : “I spent 90% of my money on women and drink. The rest I wasted.”
(a) Dublin author James Joyce
(b) playwright and poet Brendan Beahan
(c) Irish soccer superstar George Best
(d) the Archbishop of Dublin
7. Which famous tune is thought to have been inspired by a blind Irish harpist who died in 1738?
(a) Danny Boy
(b) the Mountains of Mourne
(c) When Irish Eyes are Smiling
(d) the Star Spangled Banner
8. What is the capital of Ireland?
(a) Dublin
(b) Belfast
(c) Boston
(d) I
9. What are the colors on the Irish flag?
(a) green and white
(b) green and white and orange
c) a union jack with a harp in the middle
(c) black with a creamy froth on the top
10. Which of the following US presidents does not have Irish blood?
(a) Jack Kennedy
(b) Gerald Ford
(c) Barack Obama
(d) Ronald Reagan

Answers:

1. The answer is (d) A shillelagh is a stout walking stick, a leprechaun is a miserly dwarf and the Blarney Stone is something you kiss to get the gift of the gab. Paddy Seamus and Mick are available to trim overgrowing branches at very reasonable rates.

2. Irish coffee has whiskey in it. You can drink coffee with Guinness; the coffee tastes better but the Guinness tastes worse.

3. Being a good Catholic country, pubs are shut in Ireland on Christmas Day and Good Friday.

4. The answer may surprise you. Dempsey’s father, Hiram, was of Irish and Cherokee descent; both Gene Tunney’s parents came from County Mayo. Muhammed Ali’s great grandfather was born in Ennis, County Clare and emigrated to Kentucky in the 1860’s, where he married an African-American woman. The non-Irishman was Jack Sharkey, who was born Joseph Paul Zukauskas, the son of Lithuanian immigrants, in Binghamton, New York. He took his ring name from his two idols, Jack Dempsey and heavyweight contender Tom Sharkey.

5. Sir Hugh Eyre Campbell Beaver, KBE, was managing director of Athur Guinness & Son from 1946-60, and printed a thousand copies of the Guinness Book of Records in 1954 as a marketing giveaway. This free promotional stunt went on to sell 100 million copies in 37 languages.

6. I’d love the answer to be the Archbishop of Dublin but I’m afraid it was just another quotable quote from Georgie Best

James Joyce

7. Star Spangled Banner is based on the tune ‘To Anacreon in Heaven’ by John Stafford Smith. However Smith is thought to have been heavily influenced by the work of a blind harpist named Turlough O’Carolan. It was adopted as the US national anthem in 1931.

8. If you said ‘Belfast’ go to the back of the room and prepare to defend yourself. And if you said ‘Union Jack with a harp’ in (9), check the locks on your door very carefully before you go to sleep tonight. The answer is green, white and orange; the green represents the Catholic southern republic and the orange the Protestant north. The white is for the peace that was hoped would someday come between them. Hmmm.

author: DehMadLad1

10. This one may surprise you, as well. The answer is (b). Although Barack does not have ginger hair and freckles his great, great, great grandfather was Falmouth Kearney, who fled the potato famine in Ireland on March 20, 1850 bound for New York. The odd one out is Gerry Ford.

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